Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
