dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
