I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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