you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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