In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think my fart just growled at me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize