The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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