Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
