I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
