I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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