I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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