I want to walk on stilts...naked
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
