I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
