I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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