so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
