I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I touched a dick in church today
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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