drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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