So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
