Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
