How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
