; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
