she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
