Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
