if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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