Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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