If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
