Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
