My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
