This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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