I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
