Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
