After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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