my phone needs a breathalizer
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
