Betty ford says i'm here all night
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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