all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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