11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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