he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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