I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
sarcasm needs its own font
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
