HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
