I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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