I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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