btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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