if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
