remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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