I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
