Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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