Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
