She is in my trunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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