R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
