I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
