my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
