so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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