I hope mine doesn't look like that
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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