So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
