My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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