Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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