Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
