totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
