Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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