I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
