We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
