whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
