I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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