I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
