This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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